Weekend of D.O.R.K. and S.O.B.

The D.O.R.K.? That would be me. I unintentionally faked being locked out of my apartment Friday after work. Please, let me explain before you roll your eyes, because when I’m done, you’ll be ROTFLYAO (rollingonthefloorlaughingyourassoff). I got home from work and into my apartment just fine, thankyouverymuch. I even managed to change into jogging apparel without falling down or hurting myself. APPLAUD. It goes downhill from there.

I decided to wear some jogging shorts that have the built in underwear. While I am not fond of the built in underwear, I still wear these shorts when I’ve run out of all other shorts. The nice thing about these shorts is the little key pouch. Since I’m wearing the running shorts with the built in underwear and key pouch, I decide to take my key off the key ring and USE THE POUCH. This appears to be logical, yes? Well, it’s not. I PROMISE.

Anyway, back to the story. I make it down my stairs and lock the door and then proceed to put the key in the key pouch and DOUBLE CHECK to make sure that the key is in the POUCH. WHICH IT IS. I go on my jog with Bear and think no more about my key. Why should I? It is safe in the pouch. When I finally make it back to my apartment, I go to get the key out of the pouch. [By the way, this involves me pulling my shorts away from my body in order to flip the pouch out into PUBLIC so I can pull the key out. Also, it was a REALLY NICE DAY Friday and ALL my neighbors are hanging out in our Courtyard.] This is when putting the KEY in the POUCH is a BAD IDEA. THERE IS NO KEY IN THE POUCH. HOLYFUCKINGSHIT I HAVE LOST MY ONE AND ONLY KEY TO MY APARTMENT. My neighbors, being the cool people they are, let me use their cell phones to call the property managers WHO DON’T ANSWER THE PHONE EVER so I can leave a frantic and distressed message on the EMERGENCY PHONE. Uh, hello? EMERGENCY PHONES SHOULD ALWAYS BE ANSWERED ON THE FIRST RING! That would be EMERGENCY PHONE 101!!!!!

Anyway, the reason for the incredible panic had to do with the fact that it was currently 6 p.m. and I had to shower, change, pick up co-worker by 6:30 p.m. and be in Roebuck by 7 p.m. at co-worker #2′s house for dinner at 7 p.m. Also, I’d never been to CO#2′s house before. Can we say STRESSED OUT? So, I’m eyeing the "wall" around my downstairs neighbor’s front porch and thinking to myself, "If someone will hold Bear’s leash, I bet I can climb that and get into my SECOND STORY APARTMENT FROM THE BALCONY. One of my neighbor’s did mention that I could unlock the back door and go up and down the back staircase, which is true. The only drawback would be not being able to lock the back door while I’m gone. At this point, that is much more appealing than the alternative which is spending the ENTIRE WEEKEND IN THE COURTYARD. So, I actually say out loud, "I think I can scale the wall."

Another neighbor says, "No, you don’t need to do that, we’ve got a ladder."

Yes people, I climbed a ladder up to my balcony, ran to the kitchen, unlocked the back door, ran down the back stairs and got my dog and took him upstairs. Then I had to run back down and get my ipod. I HAVE PRIORITIES. Really.

I’m frantic and throwing off clothes and trying to get in the shower and TRY TO STOP FREAKING OUT. So imagine my INCREDIBLE suprise when I dropped my shorts and heard…….CLINK. That’s right. I forgot about the BUILT-IN UNDERWEAR OF THE SHORTS. I had my key the whole time. That’s when the hysterical laughter began. . .oh yeah, and I was ON TIME. You know why? BECAUSE I’M SUPERGIRL, THAT’S WHY.

Now, about the S.O.B.

Ok, my divorce was finalized in December of 04. December 21, 2004 to be exact. It was like getting two Christmases, really. Anway, back to this weekend. X finally stopped harassing calling me once we got done with filing our taxes. I for one have been EXTREMELY GLAD ABOUT THIS. This weekend was the Magic City Art Show and I just did not feel like going since this is an event that I have ALWAYS attended with X and just wasn’t up to it this weekend so I didn’t go. I knew X would be there and I just didn’t have the energy to deal with running into him. I mean, I JUST NOW AM NO LONGER RECEIVING ALMOST DAILY PHONE CALLS FROM HIM. Why would I want to risk him having a relapse and commence calling me EVERY DAMN DAY? So I don’t go.

Magic City Art Show is an all weekend event. Fast forward to Sunday evening. Its roughly in the neighborhood of 6:30/7pm and I’m out walking Bear with my friend April and her dog Grace (aka Insane Chow Posse). I’m talking to April and out of the corner of my eye, see a familiar car. Low and behold, it is the evil vehicle of X. So I find myself looking right at him. I’m pretty sure the look I gave him was quite blank. I was too suprised to register any emotion at all….until later. HOWEVER, the look he gave me was of COMPLETE AND UTTER SHOCK TO SEE ME WALKING IN MY OWN NEIGHBORHOOD. This managed to irritate me to no end.

HE KNOWS WHERE I LIVE. HE IS OUTSIDE OF HIS NEIGHBORHOOD AND ON MY TURF. HOW DARE HE LOOK AT ME WITH SHOCK OF SEEING ME IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD!!!!!!!!!!! HOW DARE HE VIOLATE MY ‘HOOD!!!!!!!!!

That was the first thought that went through my head. Then I noticed that there was a girl in the car with him. My second thought was THANK GOD HE FINALLY HAS A GIRLFRIEND. NOW HE DEFINITELY WON’T CALL ME ANYMORE.

Then I think: POOR GIRL.

Then I think: He’s such a gossip queen, he’ll probably start telling people that I’m dating April because he saw me walking my dog with her. That’s how his mind works, people. I mean, he saw me walking my dog with K once and immediately concluded that I was dating him. Actually, he wasn’t sure if I was with K, SO HE DOUBLED BACK TO TRY TO SEE WHO I WAS WALKING WITH. Um, can we say STALKER? Lucky for me, we were gone before he made it back to where he saw us. And he’s a lazy stalker, so he went back on his original way. (I learned this information from a mutual friend.)

Anyway, I mean, doesn’t that make perfect sense? Because the obvious link is that I date people that I walk my dog with. I mean anyone with any common sense could see that. So I mentioned that to April and she just died laughing. A little while later, we ended up walking by his car. He was eating at MY restaurant with his girlfriend and I pointed out his car to April and she says: "The one with the car bra? That’s so ’90s." Thank God for friends with GREAT senses of humor…and style.

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