We Have a Winner

…After the battle with the evil Dr. Asshat, our intrepid (and not to mention plucky) heroine was exhausted. However, she had no choice but to carry on like a Storm Trooper and get her ass back to work because daddy needed some blue suede shoes…

Anyway.

My new primary care physician kicks ass. She listened to everything I said. She asked informed questions about my current condition and she answered all of my questions without treating me like I was wasting her time. Never once did she suggest that a HORMONAL CHANGE might cause NERVE PAIN AND SWELLING. She thinks I may have either radial or medial nerve damage. Gee, imagine that. A possible diagnosis that actually makes sense!

She prescribed splints for both hands. She also wants me to have a nerve conduction test. Lucky for her, I’m having one tomorrow. That my chiropractor set up for me, because he is not an idiot (unlike a certain asshat doctor who shall not be named).

In the meantime, I’ve been running around all day wearing wrist splints. Here are some things I’ve learned about wearing splints on both arms at the same time:

• Driving is really difficult when you can’t bend your wrists.
• Typing is somewhat difficult when your splint keeps hitting the Windows key and/or closing you out of your program.
• I look like one or more of the following in wrist splints:
  • Ambidextrous professional bowler
  • Xena Princess Warrior’s loser sister
  • Robocop without the cool weapons
  • A complete and total dork
• Trying to swat a bug off your friend’s shoulder while wearing a splint with a metal rod down the center is not a good idea.
• Wiping is hard.

Hopefully tonight I don’t roll over in my sleep and break B’s nose or hit him in the nuts. I figure if he wakes up without any major bodily damage, the night will be a complete success. Though, I don’t know how he’s going to be able to keep his hands off me when I’m wearing nothing but my sexy black wrist splints. I’ll probably be lucky if I get any sleep at all.

Anyway, tomorrow I get to have a nerve conduction test and a vascular flow test done. At this point, I am somewhat torn. I would really like to know what in the hell is wrong with my hands but I am sick and tired of doctors’ offices. Also, I’m a little nervous about the nerve conduction test. I mean, what the hell is that anyway? Is it code for electroshock therapy? Because if it is, I am NOT signing a waiver.

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