My dogs hate going outside to do their business in the rain. They hate it so much, they will hold it as long as they can before going outside. And then it is all business and no sniffing around to see what else has been going on in the yard. If anyone has dropped by and left a message or what have you.

Also now that it’s wet AND cold, I think they would give up the ability to pee on things just to not have to go outside.

Last night after taking the dogs out to pee against their will multiple times and them refusing to go, Cody walked up to B and me in the dining room wagging his tail and just so! happy! to! see! us! And then he promptly squatted right where he was and started peeing. INSIDE THE HOUSE. B was blocking my line of sight to the business end of the dog so I didn’t immediately understand why he started yelling, “NO NO NO!” in a very OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING THAT tone of voice until he moved to run into the kitchen to get carpet cleaner. Then I took up the, “NO NO NO!” chant and between the two of us, we managed to scare him in to stopping. Only to run a couple of steps up into the living room (it’s a LR/DR combo, thanks a lot every builder in the 1970s) and PEE SOME MORE ON THE CARPET.

So of course, I did what any normal person would do. I freaked out some more and chased him around the house yelling, “NO NO NO!” trying to grab him to take him outside. Well, then he was so freaked out, he took of running into his place of safety – his crate. Which is both great that he feels safe in his crate (that took a LOT of patience, time and treats), but also like the biggest asshole on the planet because my dog was running away from me to his place of safety. In my defense, I didn’t want him to pee inside the house.

I finally coaxed him to come to the front door and then had to grab him by the collar before he bolted once again because it was raining and there was NO WAY he was going to go outside to pee. So we marched outside and I was all, “Go on, buddy! Go pee!” so he slunk down the stairs and then huddled by a bush NOT peeing. So I walked over to where he was to encourage him to pee and I guess he thought he was being punished some more (it was cold and raining and he was traumatized that we weren’t pleased with his earlier shenanigans) so he slunk away again and proceeded to hide under our front steps. Like a little troll with a bridge and a river. Or with the rain that wouldn’t stop. Only cuter because he’s a dog.

There I am, standing in the soaking wet yard with no shoes on, no jacket, still in my work clothes, and trying to coax my dog out from under the front steps and he was having none of it.

NONE. OF. IT.

This meant there was only one thing to do. I ran back inside the house, grabbed the treat jar off the kitchen counter and ran back outside. I am still shoeless. Still jacket-less. Still in my work clothes. Back in the yard by the bushes by the front steps now shaking a big jar of treats like a giant maracas while cooing to my dog like the frightened animal he is to get him to come out from under his cute-doggie-troll-lair.

It wasn’t until I reached out with a peace-offering of a treat while cooing at Cody while shaking the giant maracas of dog treats that I was able to coax him out from under the steps. He accepted the peace-offering timidly, let me pet him while he ate it and then tore off up the front steps to be let back inside.

Once inside, he was back to his usually dopey, happy self. Tearing around the house with Charlie and demanding to be petted like the last 20 minutes never happened.

I really hope he learned his lesson.