Making A Baby with SCIENCE!

So as you know, B and I are using to science to make a baby. What does that entail? I’ll tell you.

First, you  try to make a baby for awhile. When it doesn’t work out, you (ladies, not men) go see your OB/GYN and talk to her/him about it and your OB/GYN gives you a referral to see an infertility specialist.

Then, when you’re finally ready to call the infertility specialists, you call them on the very first day of your cycle. Because starting your period isn’t emotional enough when you’re trying to get knocked up. You leave them a message if they don’t answer and they call you back and you get 3 appointments set up that are every other day and very specific to your cycle and when you should be ovulating. You go in to get a lot of blood drawn on the first appointment. Then you go back for more blood to be drawn and a consultation on what the test results were on the first lot of blood drawn and what your plan is going to be. When you have the consultation is when you’re told your partner can come. And depending on your partner, this can either be a good thing or a bad thing. Or both.

And then you go back to have more blood drawn (I told you they were vampires). If having so much blood drawn that you start looking like a heroin addict isn’t bad enough, insult is added to injury with the VAGINAL ULTRASOUND. Yes, you read that right. VAGINAL ULTRASOUND. If you didn’t just have a full body convulsion, then something is not right with you. So anyway, the VAGINAL ULTRASOUND (I can’t type it any other way) is where your infertility nurse sticks what amounts to a dildo hooked up to an ultrasound machine in your vagina, complete with condom, to look at your uterus and ovaries. And then shows you it.

I’m not saying it’s not interesting to see the ultrasound, because it is. But hello! VAGINAL. ULTRASOUND. While she is showing your ovaries and uterus? SHE IS SWISHING THE DILDO AROUND. And you’re all splayed out on a table trying to pretend like that dildo isn’t trying to escape up INTO YOUR UTERUS and that this is totally normal. Because, you know, who doesn’t love a VAGINAL ULTRASOUND at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday morning?

So, yeah. VAGINAL. ULTRASOUND. Not my favorite thing so far. It really kind of makes all the times I had to have my blood drawn seem like a lovely Sunday brunch, complete with mimosas and chocolate croissants. Mmmmm… mimosas…

Anyway.

The following week I got a call from my nurse telling me what was suspected all along – I don’t produce enough estrogen to ovulate or release an egg. This means that starting on Day One of my next cycle, I get to call her to let her know that I’ve started and then she will call in my prescription to my pharmacy for my “baby making” medicine. And then when I get to the “begins ovulation” stage of my cycle, Operation Make A Baby From Scratch (OMABFS) will commence in earnest. Unfortunately, part of OMABFS includes getting a shot in my butt to ensure that an egg is released from an ovary to meet the sperm halfway. Have I mentioned how much I hate needles? And getting shots? Because I hate needles and getting shots a lot. But I suppose getting a shot in the ass will still be better than a VAGINAL ULTRASOUND.

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