So a few weeks ago, my phone case went missing. This is kind of a big deal because 1) I am not usually the one in my household to lose stuff, 2) when in the case, the battery lasts longer because it goes into sleep mode, and 3) I don?t like it when my phone calls people without my knowledge. That last one is especially not cool. I led a search and rescue squad to find and retrieve the missing phone case. However, after weeks of looking it was decided that the phone case is either in some cave somewhere in the remote mountains of North Carolina or it went to the beach and is hiding in a sand bunker or something. I have agents that report to me on a regular basis, but as yet they have had no such luck finding the deserter.
I figured it was just a one time thing, but then it started spreading. Next, my favorite pair of shoes walked off. Literally. I searched under every chair and couch in the house, in both cars, the garage, closets. Everywhere. Except the computer room. Apparently my shoes walked down there and then realized, ?Hey! We don?t have opposable thumbs. There is no way we?re getting out that door.? And then they hid in the computer room under the desk. But what really irks me is that they didn?t even bother to leave a note or call to tell me what their beef was. I went without my favorite pair of shoes for nearly TWO WEEKS. I gave them a good home and a job and how do they repay me? THEY RUN AWAY. Jerks. B found them last night. And after a good tongue lashing, brought them upstairs for me. And, despite being really angry at them for leaving, I was so happy to see them I gave them their old job back.
And finally, about the same time my shoes went missing, my sunglasses took off as well. I?ll be honest with you, at first, I thought the shoes and sunglasses had run off together to go and be with the missing phone case. I thought that maybe the phone case sent them a postcard about how great it is wherever the hell it is. You know, kind of like getting a postcard from a friend on vacation at the beach with a picture of everything you?re not doing and then thinking, ?Fuck this. I?m leaving.? And then you go to the beach and it?s fantastic. That?s what I figured had happened and I was really upset about it. Mostly because they didn?t invite me to go with them.
Turns out my sunglasses were hiding in the car. They know I prefer them to be out in the open where I can easily access them should I require their assistance. Unfortunately, I bought a lazy pair of sunglasses and they abhor having to work. They decided to hide in the armrest/glove box. It took me longer to find them than I?d like to admit, but I did finally find them. My sunglasses, however, were not happy to be found and be put back to work, so they staged a protest/revolt and while I was in the parking lot of Alabama Adventure, they jumped off my head, landed on the asphalt and lost a limb in the process. So of course they are out of commission until I can find a screw to fit and reattach its arm. However, they are currently under house arrest and under the watchful eye of Nurse Chloe until they are fit for active duty. I am confident that should the sunglasses act out, Nurse Chloe will take care of the situation.
We don?t take kindly to desertion around here.
I just love it when you use abhor in a sentence. It gives me goosebumps.