In Which I Reminisce about the Most Embarrassing Moment of 3rd Grade

Today I bought some trail mix that is possibly some of the best trail mix EVER. We’re talking almonds, cashews, sunflower seeds, pumpkin seeds and raisins. I snacked on it all day instead of eating lunch. It was phenomenal. Except for this one little side effect. I, uh, developed some gas. At first I thought it was possibly one of the seeds or nuts. I turned to the almighty google to enlighten me with its wondrous and magnificent powers of knowledge. And lo, the google said unto me: Dude. Raisins can make you gassy.

Armed with the knowledge that raisins can make you gassy, I continued to eat the trail mix while eating fewer raisins. I couldn’t forsake the raisins! They created the perfect balance of sweet and salty! Also? I was extremely grateful for my private office.

Later in the day, I got a text message from my SMIL that my SIL had a concert in the evening and would the BAD Boy and I like to go. I, of course, responded that we’d love to come. (B had class and couldn’t go.) Fast forward to the evening. My drive home was…smelly. We’re talking make-your-eyes-sting smelly. Rotten-eggs-would-be-a-joy-compared-to-this smelly. It’s not good.

This concert? It’s at a chapel. I am praying for padded seats and that maybe this is a band concert. And also that everyone in the place has a horrible cold and has lost their sense of smell. (I forgot to ask and she both sings in a choir and I’m fairly certain plays an instrument in the school band.)

What I got? WOODEN CHURCH PEWS. Somehow, I miraculously made it through the evening without clearing out the chapel, or adding an accompaniment to the pianist.

However, this long and seemingly pointless story made me think of another time in my life when I was not so fortunate.

I was in third grade and we had an assembly. This particular assembly was in a small building in our school that at one time was the gym and where the floor was tile. Possibly marble, but I don’t remember for sure. Anyway, the assembly was about our 3rd grade desert trip where we got to go out and spend one night out in the desert sleeping on a cot under the stars with the entire third grade class. It was THE THING for 3rd graders that you did not want to miss.

They were showing a video or slide show about previous trips and the lights were off. I suddenly had an extremely strong urge to expel unwanted gases from my body. I fought them long and hard, but in the end, the need won. As my great grandpa used to say (according to my dad), “Let air go free where e’er you be.”

I gauged my surroundings. The lights were out. Everyone was watching the slide show/video (I really can’t remember which and it’s starting to drive me a little nuts. Little more nuts. Whatever.) I was gold. No one would know it was me. I tilted to the side ever so slightly and attempted to eek out a delicate, undetectable fluff. Instead, I farted so loud and so hard, it echoed throughout the entire building and everyone within a 5 foot radius felt the ground vibrate. I had COMPLETELY forgotten about the marble floor. I desperately hoped that maybe no one had noticed. Or, if they had noticed, they would think it was someone else.

Not so much. By the time we left the assembly? EVERY SINGLE 3RD GRADER KNEW IT WAS ME. To say I was mortified would be the understatement of the century.

But tonight? Tonight wasn’t that bad.

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