In Search of Zen or a Fair Approximation Thereof

The last 6 months of my life at work have been insane. Seriously. I’m not going to delve into the details, but a lot of big projects came up and seemed to happen all at once. This left me constantly sprinting to keep pace for months on end without any kind of a real break. I have finally come to the end of the hectic pace and all my big huge projects and whatnot are done for the most part, but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it being ok to work or even live at a more sedate or “normal” pace.

And yet I’m incredibly drained. Physically and emotionally. For instance, if my fingers stop moving on the keyboard, I am in serious danger of falling asleep. It doesn’t help that I am laying on my super comfy bed with the memory foam topper…zzzzzzza;kldfawef Where was I? Right. Falling asleep at the drop of a hat. I think I have hit that proverbial wall. Except it feels very, very not proverbial and most definitely real. Definitely brick. I have hit a big, giant brick proverbial wall.

I am very fortunate to be able to take tomorrow and all of next week off, but there is this really big part of me that can’t seem to relax and uncoil. And I feel VERY GUILTY for taking a vacation. A hard-earned one at that! What the hell is wrong with me?! I could probably use  therapy if I am having feelings of anxiety and guilt for NOT going in to work. But I digress.

And to top it all off, I’m starting my vacation by attending a funeral tomorrow. This really does not help with the anxiety or stress. I mean, I know intellectually that people die even when I don’t think they should. But, well, it just sucks. I have repeatedly asked for a moratorium on death for my friends and family, but clearly NO ONE is listening to me.

OK. I need to just stop and breathe. So before this turns into a ridiculous whine fest where there is no cheese, I should focus on the good parts.

Like the part where B and I will go and get an hour and a half long couple’s massage on Saturday. I am really looking forward to this because, Hello! HOUR AND A HALF MASSAGE. Plus? This will be B’s first time to have a professional massage and I just know he’s going to love it. And that makes me happy and excited to share this experience with him.

And the part where I get to sleep in every single day next week. And I can do whatever I want. Which will largely consist of me sitting around in my underwear all day while I knit, spin, read and/or watch all the episodes of Bones I want. Uninterrupted.

And maybe if the temperatures aren’t skin melting, I’ll go do something outside.

I can go to the gym every day at my leisure. Believe it or not, I am one of those crazy people that once I get into a work out routine, I miss it when it gets interrupted.Plus? Pool! I can go and swim laps. Take Charlie for long walks in the morning before it gets too hot. Or late at night. Or both.

Next week? The world is my unpainted canvas. I can just breathe and take one moment at a time. I can paint the canvas with slow, deliberate strokes. And right now? I really need to cling to that.

And maybe take a nap.

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