Global Warming Is Real

I have all the scientific proof you could ever need in my apartment. Or as we like to call it, Chez Tropical (pronounced troe-pee-cul). It is hothothot. We’re almost at the point where we’re walking around in little loin cloths while fanning ourselves with any thin flat surface we can find. It’s that bad. And radiant heating? You can turn the knob down as low as it will go, but the heat. still. radiates. It might be nucular. Heh heh. Just kidding. It IS nucular.

Showering can be a dangerous undertaking because 1. there is a small radiant heater in the 2. incredibly small bathroom 3. with no ventilation (other than raising the window. Which we’ve taken to doing, by the way.) and said radiant heater is rather potent and may be nuclear powered. Oh, and the shower itself? Well, it’s hard to not take a scalding hot shower because your options are 1. water so hot you shower your skin away or 2. water so cold you freeze and crack your skin off. It’s an epic struggle of water temperatures like you’ve never seen. Creating the perfect balance of water you can tolerate is harder than cutting steak with a spoon. After showering, you tend to lose metric tons of bodily fluid as you try to get dry while simultaneously sweating like a guy standing in front of a firing squad. This makes showering fun AND effective. Really.

And you can forget trying to dry your hair with some type of HEATING element device. Not happening. Unless you want to die from heat stroke in the bathroom in FEBRUARY. Just saying. So how my sister managed to BLOW DRY HER HAIR WHILE WEARING A FLOOR LENGH TERRY CLOTH ROBE IN THE BATHROOM WITH THE DOOR CLOSED is totally beyond me. She’s probably not human. I’m pretty sure she’s not a robot, though, because she definitely would have short-circuited in the jungle bathroom.

This rampant global warming in the apartment also makes getting dressed for work slightly difficult. It’s best to walk around in some state of undress until the very last minute so as to not pass out and die from heat stroke. However, more than 30 seconds of wearing winter clothes in sub-tropic temperatures can cause hallucations, excessive perspiration, and even death, so don’t bother with putting your jacket on until you get outside and cool off. I would wait until I got outside to put my shirt on, but I might run into a neighbor and, well, that might be awkward.

And you know, grabbing the right jacket can be difficult because while your brain is telling you, “Hey, you may want to grab a heavy duty jacket since it’s cold out,” your body is screaming, “THERE IS NO FUCKING WAY YOU ARE PUTTING ANOTHER GODDAMN ARTICLE OF CLOTHING ON ME. YOU DO AND I WILL THRASH YOU TO THE GROUND AND FLAIL UNTIL IT COMES OFF. DO YOU HEAR ME?” So sometimes you leave the house with a less than ideal coat for the current winter conditions.

Couple all that with the fact that it’s been anywhere from the teens to the low 30s in the morning and I have no heat in my car, it’s probably no small wonder that I have a cold and some freaky miracle that I am not in the hospital with pneumonia or something like that.

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