Electroshock Therapy

I was tricked into signing the waiver. Honest.

OK, not really, but “nerve conduction test” REALLY IS code for electroshock-the-shit-out-of-unsuspecting-people. And then make their insurance pay for it.

First, you have to fill out one of those new patient forms where you answer six millions questions. You know the one. I’m pretty sure now the reason they do this is because they need to know if you’re prone to heart attacks or not before they shock the ever living shit out of you.

After that, you get hooked up to a bunch of what looks like little stim pads that record your response to being SHOCKED. Oh yeah, and the thing that directs this “small burst” of electricity through your unsuspecting body? It looks like some kind of tricked out 9 volt battery. The metal prongs are pressed gently against your skin and then you are forced to endure multiple shocks at varying intensities.

I would rather take a calculus exam completely unprepared and naked in front of a large audience then go through that test EVER. AGAIN.

Also, they stick electrodes on your head to measure your brain waves too. Thanks be to all gods big and small that there was no shocking involved in that part. Though you do look like a mental patient with all the wires trailing off your head. See?

After that he did the vascular flow test, which was actually pretty cool. He started out by putting about 70 million blood pressure cuffs down my legs and on my big toe. Then he proceeded to try to strangle my legs. Then the really cool part was next. He put a microphone up to my ankle until he found a vein.

I could hear my blood flowing through my veins! The science geek in me totally freaked out and got all googly-eyed groupie at that. My veins are very loud and sound like a massive wind storm. That has rhythm. He repeated the whole procedure on my arms and then just did the microphone thingie to my neck.

I’m not really sure what kind of microphone he used to do that, but I TOTALLY WANT ONE. How cool of a party trick would that be!

The one thing that made this whole test bearable? The technician, Brian aka Toolbox, was awesome. He’s a retired volunteer policeman and EMS Tech from New York. He was an absolute hoot and fun to talk to and really helped with trying to keep my mind off the torture he was putting me through. Despite the pain, he had me laughing most of the time. He was a complete character. Also? My new favorite phrase is “Mother of god!” Best said with a NY accent. Suffering through that nerve conduction test with someone who had the personality of cardboard would have probably made me jump through the window.

Anyway, I’ll have the test results back in somewhere between 3 – 5 days and then maybe there will be some clue as to what the fuck is wrong with my hands and arms. And also? If you ever have to have a nerve conduction test? Be prepared to feel like you are sticking a key into a wall socket over and over and over again and can’t stop no matter how bad you want to. Afterwards you may want to go have a stiff drink. Or three.

Related posts: