*DISCLAIMER* If you are a guy or faint of heart, you might want to stop reading now and just come back tomorrow.
What the fuck is your deal? First of all, I do not appreciate you deviating from the regular plan. You know what I?m talking about. You?ve done it several times this year. At first, I kind of let it slide because we?re starting a new decade and I?ve heard that you can get testy in the new era, but figured you would eventually sort yourself out. However, THIS IS NOT HOW I FIGURED YOU WOULD DO IT.
Look? Remember back in the day when all our girlfriends could set their calendar by us? When even our friends who weren?t regular became regular around us? Those were good times, weren?t they? What happened? We were so good! We worked great together! WE WERE A TEAM. Why did you suddenly decide to start flaking out on me? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!
I know we talked about maybe letting you get to serve your intended purpose, and we gave it a good run. I thought you were on board with the plan. You acted like it. You kept feeding me what I now know was a bullshit story about how you’re “one of the gang!” and “all on board!” But you not cooperating after all that? NOT COOL. Kind of puts you out of a job too, you know? And with the economy the way it is, you really should rethink that. Also? Your little practical ?jokes? of starting things late and getting hopes up only to dash them to the ground? NOT FUNNY.
But this time, Uterus, you?ve gone TOO FAR. It?s been TWO MONTHS and that is ENOUGH. I mean, I went to the fucking DOCTOR today and even she called you out on your ?little prank!? YOU ARE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE, MISSY!
I know. I shouldn?t yell at you. But you?re leaving with very few options here. I hate that it?s come down to this, but you leave me no choice. You either shape up, or I will have you shipped out.
That?s right. You heard me. Consider this your 30 days notice.
Love,
Miss Pants
Them’s fightin’ words, Uterus!
Can you say “p-e-r-i-m-e-n-o-p-a-u-s-e”?
I feel yer pain. Fucking body parts. Maybe you could doll her up & list her on Etsy? Vintage category, of course.
‘Ta!
You think they’d give us a two for one deal?
Best blog I ever read! Thank you!
I don’t understand. I mean you’re a wonderful landlord. You keep things nice, give her a place to live…….what an effin’ bitch!
Here you are! How funny…I could have written this post! You think people can sync up together when it comes to not doing it – even though they are in totally different states and have never met in person? Wonder uterus’s unite!
Hahaha!!!! I would love to ship mine out too!!! It hasn’t been used for almost 20 years and it will NEVER be used for it’s intended purpose again. I would give it to ya if I could…………..hmmmmmm…..transplant??
I’m having a similar talk with my uterus, so far it’s not working. Think I should up the langauge? (j/k)
Maybe it got tired of all the … um… trespassing.
Heh heh. He said trespassing.
Oh girl…could we talk. Me and the mister are giving my 42yr old uterus a shot at making babies. My niece’s 14 yr old super hormones throws us for a loop every time we visit.
This is absolutely hands down the most beautiful eviction notice ever written – or maybe what you just did was break up with your uterus on your blog…kinda like dumping a boyfriend via email.
And while I’m rather, er, attached to mine, if I could give it to you I would ’cause ya know I’m never gonna use it to it’s full extent!
That’s kinda harsh for something that can cause you so much trouble.
@b – Once again, the uterus doesn’t get trespassed – not like the hot pocket does, anyway.
@Bob – *shakes head and walks away*
Maybe yours and mine could go on sabbatical together.