Dear Cheesecake,

I am breaking up with you. And I honestly didn’t want it to come to this. I love you. I have loved you since 10th grade when I first discovered your creamy goodness and graham cracker crust. We had so many good times together! Remember that time we dressed you up in whipped peanut butter and peanut butter cups? Or that time we experimented with those oreos? We had so much fun!

You have always held a special place in my heart. Honest.

I think, though, that things started going south for us when you became so clingy. I really…I hated it when you would cling to my thighs or ass or wherever you could get your hands on me and wouldn’t let go. That was not cool, cheesecake. I gave you so many chances to chill out, too! But did you listen? NO.

When I said we needed to spend some time apart, you… uh… you said some really mean and hurtful things. I was crushed. But I always meant for it to be temporary! I still thought we could have a life together. I JUST NEEDED SOME SPACE!

*ahem*

Anyway, I know it had been awhile since we’d been together, and I really thought last night was something special between us. We used chocolate for crying out loud! But you had to go and ruin it, didn’t you? You really haven’t changed a bit. You came on WAY TOO STRONG.

And don’t think I didn’t realize you roofied me. Why else would I have passed out like that after our time together? Why else would I have this horrible hangover today? WHY ELSE WOULD I FEEL SO VIOLATED?!?!?!!

Your actions were WRONG and COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY. I WOULD HAVE COME BACK TO YOU!!!! But you just couldn’t wait, could you? You always were so damn impatient! So, this is it.

We are through.

Over.

FINITO.

It really didn’t have to be like this, but you leave me no choice, cheesecake.

IT’S OVER. And don’t bother trying to call me. I’ve already changed my number.

Love,
Miss Pants

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