*Disclaimer: If you have kids in your house that still believe in Christmas, you may not want to read this post while in the same room with them. Then again, maybe you do.
So, you know how when we were kids and we would get all excited about Christmas because Santa was coming with presents and there would be pie? Well, nowadays, that is not good enough.
Let that sink in for a minute.
Need a minute more? I don’t blame you.
If you don’t have kids, or your kids are grown, then you are probably unaware of this new phenomenon known as Christmas Elves, aka THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE FOR THE MONTH OF DECEMBER.
Because it’s not exciting enough that “Santa” is coming to bring you present, you now need a North Pole spy in your house creating mischief and reporting back to Santa on whether you’re being naughty or nice. This spy is your kid’s Christmas Elf.
See: Exhibit A
Oh yeah, and if you’re “lucky,” other elf related stuff shows up. Like a reindeer for your elf to ride around on to cause even further mischief. And you can only hope that the little fucker is house trained.
Oh wait. It’s just a doll. You don’t have to worry about that.
But to your kid? It’s a magical being that comes to life in the middle of the night while he or she is sleeping and causes all kinds of mischief and/or moves around from room to room and does different things and it’s SO COOL. However, we all know the cold hard truth here. It’s the parents who have to pry that damn doll out of their sleeping child’s hands without waking them up, only to stage them doing something new every night. Oh yeah, and making it look like whatever snack that your kid has put out for the elf is being eaten by said elf. And don’t forget the reindeer! They get their own special food.
Some parents really get into it and the elves do crazy things like trying to take a car out for a spin or toilet paper the inside of the house or things like that. That’s great and all, but it makes the rest of us look like assholes with lazy elves.
Do you see why I hate the Christmas Elf? DO YOU?
Anyway, the other day BAD Boy and I were in Barnes & Noble buying him so new books to read when we walked by a display of Christmas Elves. Now, BAD Boy is an exceptionally bright and very smart kid, so when he said to me, “I hate that they trap the elves like that. It’s just wrong. MY elf came to me and they shouldn’t trap elves like that. It’s just wrong!” it took every ounce of self control I had not to go, “Now just exactly WHERE do you think your elf came from?” I mean, really. That elf that’s been “trapped” on the display shelf? It looks EXACTLY LIKE HIS ELF at home and yet STILL he has not put two and two together.
The only thing I can figure is that kids have an AMAZING ability to suspend reality when it comes to Christmas Elves and Santa.